Is it really possible to build with someone while you’re broken?
Let’s talk about it!
How many of you have been in a new relationship but still broken from a previous one?
I’ll admit it…. I’m definitely guilty of this! Trying to love someone when you’re not whole almost always doesn’t work. Not to mention it isn’t fair to the other party involved. Especially if they’re loving and pursuing you from a place of honesty and vulnerability.
The last thing you wanna do is cause someone else pain…. because you’re in pain and haven’t healed. I’ve also been guilty of doing this.
The hardest thing I’ve learned to do this year was to not interact with men…. while I’m healing.
HELL YEAH…. I get lonely at times. But I refuse to lead anyone on or put unnecessary pressure on myself. You can’t give something that you don’t have in you to give.
I personally wasn’t in a space to be as vulnerable as I would’ve needed to be. Allowing someone in my heart space wasn’t something that was going to be easy.
I’m sure that there were times I came off as aloof or cold. Which is far from who I really am. Most people are typically guarded after going through a break up or loss. So just like me you may give off standoff-ish energy at times.
If you find yourself in a situation like this be honest and allow that person to go find someone who is on the same page as them. The hardest thing to do is to walk away from a person you have a genuine interest in. But remember your doing what’s in the best interest of the person in the long run.
I’ve recently been in a situation like that. Even though it was a little hard to deal with. I was still honest and open about the fact that I was still healing. I have two stories to share with you to help you better understand why it’s hard and almost impossible to build when you’re broken.
I met Damien and had an instant undeniable attraction to him. But honestly I was more attracted to his mindset than anything. I felt like he was on my level mentally and oh how I love to be mentally stimulated lol.
It’s equivalent to sexual satisfaction to me. I viewed him as my equal. The fact that I viewed this man as my equal is definitely a powerful comparison. I’ve dated several men but honestly only a few of them were truly on my level.
He appeared strong, ambitious, loving, family oriented, a good communicator with values and morals. The fact that he was business minded was the icing on the cake for me. Damien presented himself as someone who knew what he wanted and was the type to go after it.
But he didn’t like my pace and couldn’t understand why things couldn’t move faster between us. I mean… we had a great connection and seemed to want the same things. However, I just couldn’t do it…. it wouldn’t be fair.
If you don’t take anything from this post please take this. Remember to always put yourself in other people’s shoes. Wouldn’t you want them to be honest with you?
I know I would want that and that’s why I value honesty so much. All I can remember was how extremely broken I was from my previous situation. There was no way I was forcing myself to do anything I wasn’t comfortable with. On top of that I damn sure wasn’t going to let him force me into anything either.
Especially after the relationship I had just gotten out of. The emotional and verbal abuse along with the heartbreak had me detached and wounded. I was fighting to come to terms with what had just taken place in my life. I was doing some major soul searching, trying to find strength and learning how to love myself all over again.
Endings can be very painful and it can make you not wanna let anyone else in. We’ve all said it… “I refuse to end up in another situation like the one I just left.” Sometimes it takes months or even years to get over a breakup. Unfortunately, some people never truly get over things. Instead they chose to suppress their emotions and keep going.
I refused to handle heartbreak that way…. I chose to feel and heal! It was the best decision I could’ve ever made. The worst decision I made prior to adapting this mindset. Was getting back into a relationship that I knew I wasn’t ready for.
Which leads me back to Leo. Some of you may remember him from my soul ties blog (If you haven’t read it check it out. ) After Leo I adapted a victim mentality. But after viewing it from a different perspective while doing introspection and healing. I realized that I was no victim… I was a willing participate.
I should’ve been honest and upfront with him like I did with Damien. Leo was pushing for more than I could give. I should have stood my ground more with him. I expressed that I was healing. But I didn’t communicate to him that I wasn’t quite ready to commit. I should’ve never gotten into that relationship.
This is something I believe we all have done or been a victim of. Moreover, why I stress the importance of honesty and transparency.
I’ll admit that I had a void that needed to be filled and that wasn’t fair to Leo. I enjoyed the time I spent with him up until it became toxic. However, I couldn’t be what he needed or wanted at the time and he couldn’t be that for me either.
We both had unresolved issues from childhood and from failed relationships. At the time I felt like God punished me for not being upfront and honest. But I’m now wise enough to know that we both played a part in the relationship’s demise.
It doesn’t matter how beautiful or impressive a building is if it’s built on a faulty foundation. It will eventually start to crack and fall apart.
Some relationships are doomed from the start because of this very thing.
So would I ever suggest dating or being in a relationship while broken….NO!
Have people done it and it worked for them? Yes, I’m pretty sure of it… but I’m pretty sure they went through a lot of highs and lows. Especially if their partner had their own unresolved hurt and pain. If you’re trying to build while healing make sure you do so with someone that is compassionate, understanding and honest.
Communication and patience are things that are needed to move things into a happy healthy pace and space. Starting with and staying friends for a while will work wonders. It can also help with building trust. Most people have a wall up after they’ve been hurt. If he/she can provide a space where you can feel safe emotionally and physically… the wall will slowly start to come down.
Positive relationships have been known to promote and assist with healing.
We tend to focus on our own healing and at times don’t think about how it really affects the people in our lives and that we’re dating. So, I decided to dedicate a section to those individuals. You can share this with them or apply it if you find yourself in a situation like the one we’re discussing.
Things To Keep In Mind If You’re Interested In Dating Someone That’s Healing
*They may retreat.
*You can’t rush healing.
*They aren’t ready to commit.
*You may become their therapist.
*You may become resentful because of it.
*They are triggered by memories of their ex.
*They need to focus on themselves more than you.
But most importantly don’t have high expectations during this time.
The possibility of being disappointed can and will be higher.
Making Clear Conscious Decisions While Healing
Now this is the one right here! Is it possible to have good judgment and make clear conscious decisions? After going through a heartbreak and trauma you are not always thinking clearly. This is a time that toxic people or energy can infiltrate your life.
During the healing process you have to protect yourself. So dating may not be the brightest idea during this time. Unless you have actively started the healing process and are at the tail end of it or very close. Your mind and heart have to be in the right space when picking and allowing new people in your life.
Don’t let loneliness, heartbreak, desperation or low self esteem cause you to run into the arms of who seems familiar or safe. Remember to keep your head clear and heal your heart. Then you can build with someone and have a new beginning.
Heal What’s Broken So You Can Build.
You Deserve To Live, Laugh and Love Again.
Below is a song by Leona Lewis. For those that are healing remember… it will all get better in time. Take your time and feel so you can truly heal. Remember that you don’t have to fall outta love to let go. But you do have to let go to fall outta love. Think about it…. Bye Guys!
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