It was the spring of 2020.. the day that tall dark and handsome came in.
He walked into my life and changed everything.
The perfect combination of pleasure and pain.
I wasn’t head over heels. I was hurt over heart.
Love another man… ha I think not.
I was initially standoffish when it came to him for months.
I had to heal… because my heart chakra was more than blocked.
We talked one time on the phone and we never stopped.
Started off so cute and, sweet with so much promise.
But after all the Woo’s came the opposing blue’s and broken promises.
The many side effects of you.
Consistent illusions.. constant confusion.. sometimes deceit.
Trying to use my head while fighting with my heart.
I knew I was doomed from the very start.
Heightened intuition and curious thoughts.
It was the chemistry… the intense energy between him and me.
Gave me chills.. gave me thrills and Deja vu.
I tried and tried to run away from you.
Your love was the healer, the sickness, and the cure.
Destiny didn’t keep us away from each other for long.
We’d fuss.. we’d fight and he come right back.
I was on an emotional rollercoaster that never stopped.
I tried to listen to my head but my heart and body wanted more.
The sex just seemed to snatch my soul.
It tied me, it bind me, it made me explode.
I wanted to stay away but I couldn’t help but want more.
My friends warned me and advised me to step away.
I would and then he’d pop back up saying he loves me.
Then I’d stay… on his rollercoaster, dick.. just believing all his lies.
I was smitten, I was stupid and foolish.
His love had me on a high.
He’d lift me up with it and then put me down.. and away.
Questioned myself about why he wouldn’t stay.
With me, seriously or be for real.
Did he ever really care?
How could you love me so good and then leave me in my feelings?
His love was the best fucking feeling.
But the disappointment was the worst.
Left me completely devastated and feeling worthless.
But my friends told me that I was deserving and worth so much more.
Yet I was sad and feeling like an unwanted little girl.
I remember wondering everyday what type of day it would be.
Would he love me or will I be ignored?
I just remember you pulling me back then pushing me forward.
I dishonored myself letting him dishonor me.
To treat me like anything but royalty was a travesty.
God please forgive him and please forgive me.
We let love, lust, deceit and heart break take over our souls.
I felt like an addict because no matter how bad things got.. I still wanted more.
So many fish in the sea but I kept myself small and in your bowl.
Your love made me weary but it scared me more to let you go.
But I eventually did because I wanted and deserved so much more.
I remember begging and pleading with God to let him stay.
Here with me, in good energy.. in love with me.
But God said.. No!
The curtain fell and that was the end.
I can’t pretend like I don’t still love him still.
The love that I had for him was genuine, unconditional, and real.
The side effects of loving him…
I’m still struggling to let go and heal.
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